Dear Credit Card Company,

I appreciate the convenience of whipping out a nice, pretty, orange plastic card whenever I feel the need to spend more money than I earn. Now, will you please quit sending me those fake checks? I do not need them. I will NEVER use them. I have to SHRED them so nobody will go through my recycle bin (or mailbox), steal them, and go buy an SUV with them. Shredding useless paper takes time that I would rather spend walking in the woods. Assuming there is a woods left when you are finished chopping down all the trees so you can send me those blasted checks!

Yours truly,
Kayak Woman, Landfill Financial Manager

Dear Plum Market,

I loooovve you! How could I complain about you? For the first time in my 30 years here on the Planet Ann Arbor, I can actually WALK to the grokkery store in a few minutes and buy pretty much whatever I need. And those new reusable grokkery bags are AWESOME! But please, please, pretty please with sugar and a cherry or two on top, install some uscans. Please? I know you think that having human cashiers is providing personalized service. It is. Sorta. But. People like meeeee usually just wanta get in and outta the grokkery store and I am taarrrred of waiting behind some fussy Planet Ann Arbor-type customer with a PhD in some esoteric subject (like Human Toe-bone Cleaning or Air Column Vibrating) who needs their hand held to use the plastic card swiper and/or feels the need to spend 15 minutes to debate the carbon footprint involved in shipping the exotic specialty item they are buying with the overworked, underpaid cashier. The one who is [usually] working there to pay the rent.

Your best customer,
KW

P.S. It would be wonderous wondrous if you could open *before* eight AM so I could buy lunch on my way to work on those days when I am, well, just plain disorganized. Even 7:30 would work. Just a thought.

Dear Fussy Planet Ann Arbor-type Plum Market customer,

I know you probably have a PhD in some esoteric subject. You know, like Human Toe Bone Cleaning or Air Column Vibrating. Whatever. PLEASE LEARN TO READ! First. The plastic card swiper at the Plum Market is not hard to use if you read the prompts! The only time I have trouble with it is when I get ahead of the swiper because I have the prompts memorized. Also. The Plum labels almost everything in the store with its origin. If you don’t wanna buy some exotic specialty item that’s been shipped over here from Australia, I have a wonderful idea: DON’T BUY IT!!! Do not take up my time by debating the “issue” with the overworked, underpaid cashier. He/she may [or may not] actually care but he/she has NO POWER!!! You, with your stock portfolio or whatever, DO!

Love,
KW, yer Yooper hick nayber

Dear Kayak Woman,

What’s up with you using the word “awesome”? You HATE the word “awesome”!

Just sayin’,
Me

Dear Mother Nature,

Oh why bother.

Dear Sweet Little Roomba,

I love you.

That is all,
KW

This entry was posted on Wednesday, August 11th, 2010 at 6:16 pm and is filed under Uncategorized. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. Both comments and pings are currently closed.