Stuff #4583 aka Go Away #3782

It’s summer and all the ya-hoos are out. Rickety old minivans drop them off in the neighborhood and after a bit of loitering around on the corner by Hans’s house, they shoulder their backpacks and go off to seek their fortunes.

The last solicitor brave enough to pick his way through the land mines that line the driveway leading up to the front door of The Landfill was a friendly enough young man. I cut him off with a firm “no thank you” before he had a chance to launch into his spiel. “But I’m not trying to *sell* you something, ma’am!” he replied. “I’m from the blah-blah-blah organization and I have free stuff for you.”

Say what? Seriously. I know better than that. I’m sure that any cheap little trinkets that you are giving out are just a gimmick to make me feel guilty enough to listen to your spiel. And at the end of your spiel, you will be asking for money for something. But beyond that, I do not WANT any of your STUFF! I am trying to GET RID OF STUFF HERE! I do not want to buy anything from you. I do not want any of your free stuff. In fact, I have a whole bunch of crappy old STUFF that I would love to give you. Except I won’t give it to you because I do not want you at my door.

Kids. I know it’s hard to find a summer job but didn’t your mother ever tell you it’s dangerous to go door-to-door? There are serial killers out there. And crazy old ladies like me who are likely to throw bags of trash at you. You are not going to get rich going door to door selling magazine subscriptions or asking for people to sponsor you for “young American” contests or giving away cheap little trinkets. In fact, your supervisor over there in the rickety old minivan isn’t going to get rich either. There’s probably some shark 16 levels above him who’ll make a little cash out of this little scam. Not you.

Go home. Your mom is worried about you. She doesn’t trust your supervisor. Actually, she thinks HE’S a serial killer. Find an honest job. If you can’t find one, volunteer your time somewhere. Help out with some old people or at-risk children. Serve soup to the homeless. Whatever you do, for the umpteen millionth time, please do not knock on my door. I don’t want whatever it is you have. I have enough stuff.

2 Responses to “Stuff #4583 aka Go Away #3782”

  1. Pooh Says:

    Love the idea of you saying, “just a minute, I have some free stuff for you”, and handing the young person a bag of “goodies”. Bet they’d never come back again! Maybe you could make a recording of Alfred, and keep it by the door to play as needed.

  2. susie Says:

    Actually, this one time at my house there was a door to door guy and I invited him in for all of his demonstrations to learn that he was doing this annoying job because he was making between $2,000-3,000/month selling disount cards for oil shops. It was a good deal too, I spent $65 on the card and got a couple hundred dollars of discounts out of it.