Wuthering Heights

Sorry but go elsewhere if you are looking for puppy cams and rainbows and happy stuff. Why? Because I am living on Wuthering Heights today.

Why? Oh, don’t worry. Nothing *bad* has happened. In fact, I led a very successful “spec review” at work today. Everybody was polite and nobody panicked about anything. It’s the Living In Limbo Syndrome that’s getting to me. Big time…

When will I be able to actually stop living out of an ancient LL Bean duffle bag? I mean, I can easily do laundry wherever I am, so that’s not a problem, but I seem to have to get up every day and dredge the day’s outfit out of the shambling mound on the floor wherever I am. That works okay if I’m just schlepping around but bizcaz is another story. Even what passes for bizcaz at my work.

When will I be able to actually plan menus and shop for the ingredients 2-3 times a week instead of every damn day? I have been to the Plum Market every damn day since I’ve been down here on The Planet. I LOVE the Plum Market! But kee-reist!

When will… When will… One of these days my so-called life WILL return to whatever semblance it was before April 14th. The Commander’s life will return to SOME semblance of normalcy but it will be a DIFFERENT normalcy. I am acutely aware of that. And I am acutely aware that I am GAMBLING that keeping her in the long term care facility at the hospital while “we” await an opening at Freighter View is the right decision. Again, I do not think home care at her house is the best choice for her in the long run. It would probably be okay if I lived in Sault Ste. Siberia. But I do not live there and I do not think The Comm wants me to quit my job and my life to move there to be near her. I do not think I can manage it from five hours away and I think that, without driving privileges, she may become isolated in her house, even with help. And, in any case, I do not want to move her TWICE!!! I also know that the long term care can be difficult, even though the staff is really wonderful and are taking care to make sure she is okay. Know that I am second-guessing myself every step of the way. I think that if my brother (The Engineer) had lived longer, The Comm might have already been ensconced safely in FV *before* this thing happened. He had a different relationship with her than I do and I miss him more than I can say right now. That is all I’m gonna say.

I shouldn’t prob’ly be writing this openly about my feelings on the Internet but I felt like I was at the end of my rope today. Oh. My. God. I. Was. Tired. Today. Tomorrow could well be another day.

Meetings with LSCHP and dev tomorrow. Back up to Siberia early Thursday.

P. S. The last few years, we have had a few onesy-twosy trillium plants in the woods behind The Landfill. Hello. Here is a BUNCH of trillium! A good omen? Man oh man, I hope.

2 Responses to “Wuthering Heights”

  1. Margaret Says:

    It sounds very overwhelming. I hope life gets back to a new normal soon. That’s where I’ve been the past 5 months too.

  2. becky courtois Says:

    I wish I had the words to come up w/ something wise – but all I can think of is it will be ok. Even when it is not ok – it will be ok. We grow in capacities in ways we never anticipated. Also, don’t forget whine and laughter – because in ackwardness there is always some humor and it is ok to laugh…and cry.