This is the moominbeach 11 years ago. It was the last month of The Commander’s life and I was experimenting with Hipstamatic camera stuff.

It actually took me a long time to grieve for The Commander. Some people have thought that I was not all that nice to my moom. Sometimes I was not but that was as a child. But the story is more complicated than most people know. I was the first born child but I was not born until they were married 11 years. Yes. 11. So I was a sorta golden child for a while. And then my brother was born. I was 3-and-a-half when he was born and he wasn’t expected to live. My mom was in the hospital for a week and I was well taken care of by my grandma and aunts and cousins at the moominbeach durimg that period. That proverbial village it takes to raise a child? I had that.

I was at my aunt Katie’s cabin when I got reunited with my parents after my brother’s birth. I asked where the baby was. My mom said they weren’t sure he was coming home.

He did come home and he was healthy for many years but died at 47 due probably to getting hepatitis C via his blood transfusion after birth. Rh negative complications.

So I was a spirited child. I got my nose put out of joint when my brother came along. Add angsty teenager to that and of course I wasn’t always nice to my mother.

At one point when we were discussing hospice for mom, I told a nurse that I was NOT the favorite child. Given that I was the only child at that point, we both cracked up. What else could we do?

I did the best I could for my moom in her last year of life but I was not really up to it. A Cdiff infection was what ultimately led to her death. She went to the hospital a bunch of times before Cdiff and every time she came “home” weaker.

All these years after her death, I am able to think about my mom as she was when I was a child and later on. I am not crazy about phone conversations in general but we did call each other frequently when I was an adult and we would gossip like crazy.

And yes I grieve.

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